Life on earth is hard, but good - to live is Christ, and to die is gain... But still, I hear it calling...

Today was a day of many unexpected tears. Because my heart aches. 

It seemed to come out of nowhere, and it felt like it may have been a couple things, but the more I thought about it, the more that I realized there were many layers. 

You see, I live in Utah now as of just after last Christmas in 2025. 

And today, some of my friends got married in Louisville, KY, where I moved from. 

I talked to a very dear old roommate from Louisville, KY today. 

I met for a bookclub with some friends from where I now live in Utah. 

I talked to with one of those friends about some things that our hearts longed to talk to another friend about - and we had that sweet, "Oh, you, too?" moment... 

I talked with a friend about some really, really hard things... 

And so my heart aches. 

Some more background from the past two weeks may be helpful for context concerning some of more layers: 

Last week, the little Baptist church that I am a member of put on a kids' camp here in Utah. 

This is not your ordinary VBS, Rather, the church members have created and prepared everything in house, refining it over the last 8 years, rather than outsourcing the content and literature. Additionally, while some of the kids attending are from families in our congregation or fellow church friends, most of the children are from LDS and unbelieving families. So primarily, this is a very evangelistic and gospel-centered kids' camp. So it's an all-hands-on-deck kinda situation... (If you had been here for the kids' camp a couple weeks ago, that might've made yer laugh, because our theme were pirates. ;) *I hope you read that in a piratey voice!)

That week, a church from Jackson, TN, a church from Richfield, KY, and another church in Jackson, TN that my pastor and his family were sent from all came out to help us for the camp. (The church that my pastor was sent from is also my previous church. The longest I have lived and been a part of any community in all of my life was with that church - for 11 years from 2011 to 2022. So to see this church family from the past was so sweet.) 

Also we had 2 interns here for the summer from my previous aforementioned church in Jackson, TN. One of our two summer interns I have known since he was about 3, and he is now the age I was when I first met him and his family. 

The Lord is so kind to us in so many ways. 

But, then it was over, and we were all very tired. And the next day on Saturday after it was over, I took the team from my previous church back to the airport, and I took the intern who I have known since he was little back to the airport on Monday morning this past week. 

And so I miss them. 

And like I mentioned earlier, some of my friends got married today in Louisville, KY. 

I was not there; I am here in Utah today. 

And so my heart aches. You see, they were my friends from the church I left in Kentucky, to move here. And I miss that church so terribly also, even while this church in Utah becomes my home a little more each day. 

And so my heart aches.

Not because Jackson or Louisville are the most wonderful and beautiful of places that I have lived, though I have loved them more than most of the places that I have lived until now. But because they are home because my people are there. 

And so I have a home all of the world, even places that I have never lived or even ever been to, because there are people I love who know the Lord there. And here in Utah, and all over the world, is my home for now, and so my heart aches to all be together. 

As the old hymn goes: 

"We meet to part, but part to meet, when earthly labors are complete." 

The Lord is so kind to us in so many ways. 

This life - it is full of great joy, while it's hard, and my heart aches for heaven, when the saints will be all together with the Lord forever. 

And so this beautiful song (with the words recorded just below) gave me much comfort today, because I know I am exactly where I should be. 

"Of Life and Death (1:18-26)" 

performed by Andrew Peterson, 

from the Psallos album, Philippians, 

written and composed by Cody Curtis

There is a joy my heart knows well  

like a river knows the bending land 

water winds where the sunlight swells  

and brightens the night of man  

even in this prison, with death at hand  

Life on earth is hard but good  

Jesus brings the suffering peace  

Christ, my joy and hope till final breath  

Christ, in life or death  

But, I long to go home, I want to go home  

There is a hope that calms my fear 

Like Job in his darkest days  

As the Lord brings courage near  

He drives out the dread of shame  

Be it in freedom or the grave  

Life on earth is hard but good 

Jesus makes the labor sweet  

Christ, my joy and hope in toil or rest  

Christ, in life or death  

But, I long to go home, I want to go home  

Let the world its judgement give 

Let the wild and whims decide 

I have known it Christ to live  

And I will know it gain to die  

Gain to die 

There is a love that guides my way  

If fate were mind to choose 

It speaks that it's best to stay 

To cheer and to strengthen you 

So for you it might be the same 

To live is Christ and to die is gain  

But still, I hear it calling... 

The Consuming Lion and Streams of Living Water

Today was a day that had little microcosms of moments that could have combined to send me spiraling... Or at least that's what I'm often tempted to feel on such days and struggle with when several little things happen to poke at my tender heart in the sore spots, leaving my heart exposed. I even had someone who I barely have just met check in concerning one of these little moments, that in the past, usually would have been a jab at one of my greatest insecurities. But instead, today, in the tapestry of these events woven together, I saw the love and nearness of the Lord. And I was reminded, again: each and every moment that I am laid bare is the Lord's mercy and love to expose my heart, still laden with sinful remnants of my old self. And the Lord was kind to send someone to double check on me, even seeing that this could be a difficult moment, but to also affirm his work to till the soil of my heart in such moments. 

Later in the day, I was reading an excerpt from a book and reflecting on the day as I was chipping away at another assignment that I am tempted to grumble about because it feels like busy work to me. In this excerpt, I saw the Lord's kindness echo here, too. 

Dear reader, you likely have read The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis, yes? 

Me, too. And, oh, if you haven't may my rambling not drive you away from it. 

Anyways, one of my favorite parts is when Jill is so parched and finds a river, but there is a terrible and great lion right in her way to this nourishing water that would quench her thirst. And I'm reminded of the conversation with a stranger who I have met in person who has become a friend. And I am reminded of the strange, awkward moments of this day, full of things, that in the past I would fret over and be consumed by with overthinking. But instead, I just see the Lord's kindness, reminding me that he says to come and drink. 

“Are you thirsty?” said the Lion.

“I’m dying of thirst,” said Jill

“Then drink,” said the Lion.

“May I – could I – would you mind going away while I do?” said Jill.

The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realized that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience.

The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.

“Will you promise not to – do anything to me, if I come?” said Jill.

“I make no promise,” said the Lion.

Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer.

“Do you eat girls?” she said.

“I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms,” said the Lion. It didn’t say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.

“I daren’t come and drink,” said Jill.

“Then you will die of thirst,” said the Lion.

“Oh dear!” said Jill, coming another step nearer. “I suppose I must go and look for another stream then.”

“There is no other stream,” said the Lion.”[1] 

Here's some of my reflection on this excerpt: we will be consumed at times, but he will keep us to the end. There will be days that not even we know and see all the intricate ways that we have to die, because he is not tame in the way that we feel that tameness ought to be. But, he is always good and far more kind than I will ever be able to fully comprehend. The marvelous riches of his glory are unsearchable and his lovingkindness will take us in like a riptide, so we come and continue to learn to die that we may fully live. And maybe he will remind us that we aren't crazy because someone else noticed that moment when we just went through a difficult little bit of the journey... But, whether or not someone else was a witness is not the point, because God is just and merciful, and he sees everything. 

And I simply do not get what I deserve, because he has pardoned me by his Son. And, the Son will always be the everlasting well who quenches my thirst and leaves me thirsty for more, for I will never able to be truly satiated by any other source. And I am reminded me of a favorite old hymn reset to a musical setting that my previous church sang often, reminding one another of how his mercy has kept us... And all of these things make all the difference. 

Thy Mercy, My God 

(words by John Stocker, music resetting by Sandra McCracken)

Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song, 

the joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue; 

thy free grace alone, from the first to the last, 

hath won my affections, and bound my soul fast. 

Without thy sweet mercy I could not live here

sin would reduce me to utter despair; 

but, through thy free goodness, my spirits revive, 

and he that first made me, still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart, 

Which wonder to feel its own hardness depart, 

Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground, 

And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found,.

Hallelujah, hallelujah. 

Great Father of mercy, Thy goodness I own, 

And the covenant love of Thy crucified Son, 

All praise to the Spirit whose whisper divine, 

Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine, 

All praise to the Spirit whose whisper divine, 

Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine, 

Hallelujah, hallelujah.”[2]

---

[1] Lewis, C.S. The Silver Chair. Glasgow, Scotland: William Collins Sons & Co., 16-17. Cited in Stam, Worship in the Joy of the Lord, 262.

[2] John Stocker, ca. 1776, Public Domain. Cited in Stam, Worship in the Joy of the Lord, 157.

Reflection, Encouragement, and Help

Composed Sunday, 1/12/2025 - based on Sam Emadi's sermon from 1/12/2025 

Sunday morning’s sermon was greatly encouraging and exhorting to me as throughout my life and even recently, I have had different period of overwhelming feelings of sadness and sorrow in my soul, feeling and believing that God is absent and in various circumstances in my life whether in conflict, sickness, or death. And the Lord has greatly used both his Word and the church to encourage, exhort, strengthen, and expose my heart in many ways through reminding and massaging scripture and praying God’s very words after him. 

Emotions can feel all consuming, much like a tidal riptide knocking all your breath out of you and pulling you under the water, or as though these emotions are uncontrollable, and as though there is no possibility of mastery, like a fire ravaging a brittle, dry forrest of trees. And yet, by his Spirit illumining his Word and giving us ears to see, training our hearts how to sing to him and to praise him, the Lord can both teach us to be honest and how to think rightly, how we are loved by him and how to love rightly. Because of Jesus Christ we have forgiveness by his blood and he has given us all the instruction and stories and history and songs necessary by which we are comforted and changed and trained and equipped in his Word. He has given us himself. And I am continually humbled by how much change I still need and that we have such a patience, kind, humble God who is willing, able, and doing just that- all that he has promised. 

I wanted to share how the sermon ministered to me to the church as an encouragement to you of the Lord's good work that he is doing in all of us. But, I also wanted to share because if you're wanting to pursue the kind of honesty in sorrow and turning to God that Psalm 13 shows more in your own life, I would love for you to consider talking with me or others. I'm toward the end of my formal training in biblical counseling, and I'm looking to be of help to anyone in the church who’s looking to find the words for your experience, struggles, responses, and looking together to frame them according to the truth of God’s word together. I’d be happy to talk about that and I will send an email some more info after you look at and fill out this form but most importantly, I wanted to encourage you that we are able to be forgiven by Jesus Christ’s atonement, that he is always with us, and he will make us more like Him. 

The Post-Roe World

As someone who has worked at Pregnancy Resource Clinic for a few months shy of 6 years, I wanted to share some thoughts and information in light of current events. 

Medicial Pregnancy Resource Clinics like Birth Choice have ALWAYS sought to love and serve the woman AND encourage and empower her to choose life for her child. We are pro-woman. We do not receive governmental aid and seek to serve and love women at great cost, but free to her. 

Countless girls have left Planned Parenthood and told our office, “they were not kind to me; they didn’t even care about me. You all are so kind to me.” (I know this is not every woman’s experience, but it’s so sad to hear so many women say how they were treated at PP.) 

Abortion is NEVER in her best interest because it is murder. This is because abortion is the ending of her own child’s life. This sounds harsh but is true. 

Overturning Roe will not mean prosecutition of the mother but those who perform abortions on mothers. 

Surgeries for miscarriage, ectopic and tubal pregnancies are NOT abortions. They are not even close to the same thing. Those things are NOT the mother’s desire or choice. Abortion is the termination of a baby by CHOICE. 

Even in situations of rape and incest, abortion is the ending of the innocent, making the traumatized mother bring more trauma upon herself by ending her child’s life rather than bringing the perpetrator to justice for the evil that he has committed. 

Why is that we are tempted to think that this is a mutually exclusive problem, that it’s the woman or the baby? Why do we not realize that it is both? A woman is a mother at the moment of the baby’s conception. It is against her very God-given nature to end the life of her child. But on the altar of connivence we sacrifice our children. Lord have mercy upon us.  

It reminds me of this song by Sarah Sparks.

Here is the thing. Yes, we are anti-abortion. But, we are PRO-LIFE. ANY and EVERY woman is welcome to us after she has had an abortion. We will never encourage her to have an abortion. But, we want to get her back in our door to love her and if she is willing, to see if she (or anyone complicit in the partaking of an abortion) will go through our New Beginnings program for anyone who is post-abortive. This is not only for women, but for fathers, grandparents, siblings, friends, church members, whoever pressured, paid, or was affected by a woman in their life who has had an abortion. 

We do not cast women out after they have made a decision to abort, even though we have pleaded with them not to. We plead with them to come back in. We plead with them to see the truth and to find healing in the truth. 

We forget that our hearts are selfish and that we do not know best. 

“…when you understand what Scripture says your heart is capable of—evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, and slander—you’ll also understand why it’s not smart to follow it down the path of destruction.”*

It is scripture that helps us know what is true and good and what is not. We need the Lord. Because when we repent and believe in our hearts, confessing with our mouth that we have sinned and Jesus is Lord and saves us, then we are saved. I am in no less need than a post-abortive woman, or pro-choice person. We all need the salvation of Jesus Christ. It is the truth that will set us free. This is why we fight abortion, love the woman, and welcome her back whatever she has done. For free. Because the truth is costly, and man, sometimes it is hard to stand on and hard to accept, but it is always loving and best. So it is love that motivates and compels us to not be silent. 

This podcast by the president of the seminary I attend summarizes so much so well from Friday, 6/24/22: Special Episode of the Briefing: This is the Day that the Lord has Made!

This article is pretty powerful to read also: Because They Are No More 

*Excerpt from: "Growing in Godliness: A Teen Girl's Guide to Maturing in Christ" by Lindsey Carlson. Scribd.

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concerning grief and sadness - a free verse poem

learning 

numb and quiet 

aftermath, beat up 

i just feel so... heavy 

i forget so many details 

"what did you just say..." 

"sorry, I didn't hear you"

just trying to make it 

through the day today 

just trying to be okay today 

"i'm just tired" 

...so tired

i know the right things to say today 

but it's hard to feel them today 

schluffing it off won't be okay today 

it's a toil and a burden to stay open 

and to keep on the way 

sometimes my face leaks 

feel stuck sometimes 

feel in-between 

going through the motions

dragging forward 

or maybe lagging behind

a dam bursts... 

sometimes, it just cracks

there's an ache... 

trying to find words 

for what has none

it's a soft, steady break

sometimes, it's hard to move 

i don't always feel this way 

i know that this is 

just a moment 

a long, hard moment 

a tough, terrible moment 

where i feel lost 

and pulled under

and i know all the right things 

to do...

...to feel, and to say

i know that it will be okay 

but not today 

Book Review: The Serpent Slayer

“The Serpent Slayer and the Scroll of Riddles” presents the overview of Biblical narrative through two kids plunging into the scriptural narratives themselves. It’s creative, and though the writing did not grab my attention until later, the storyline was compelling. 

4/5 stars 🌟 

 *This was read as a pre-release to review for the book's launch. This is my honest opinion. 

My Good Reads CR/reviews here 

Click here for book link on Amazon

Click here for book link on New Growth Press website.

Be Still My Soul

Sometimes it feels as though you have just figured out how to tread water when something else cuts like a riptide that knocks the breath out of you, catches your failing appendages, yanking you down to where you are wondering which way is up and whether or not you will make it back. And if you do, did you alone survive and who did not?

Moments like that are hard to focus your mind on what is true, love, commendable, excellent, pure, just, good, and not the ugly, impossible and yet all of the possible worst-case-scenario what-ifs that seem to acupuncture all of your muscles so you feel frozen in fear and then forced into an acceleration of panic. 

But, the truth - 

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10 

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock." Isaiah 26:3-4 

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again, I say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, what is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:4-9 

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing... Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4, 12

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

"Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." 1 Peter 4:19 

So many times over the weekend, I have felt the Lord quiet my anxious heart with what is true- His Word. 

We gathered for my papa's funeral, and it was beautiful, sad, and hard. At one point, much later, some of the cousins were together, and I sang part of "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus," with one of the girls. We went on talking a bit more, and then started mentioning going inside, but one of my cousins quietly murmured, "Let's sing one more hymn first." He picked out "Be Still, My Soul." 

"Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side

Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain

Leave to thy God to order and provide 

In every change, He faithful will remain 

Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly friend

Though thorny ways leads to a joyful end. 

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as He has the past 

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake 

All now mysterious shall be bright at last 

Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know 

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below." 

It could not have been a better selection then, and to have to reflect on today. I didn't plan on going to church because I didn't think that I would make it back for the service on this Sunday after my flight into Tennessee and drive back. I glanced at the time as my car warmed up on this chilly February morning, and I plugged in the destination from the airport to my church on the maps app on my phone. I realized that even though I would be about 30 minutes late to the service, I would probably make it in time for the sermon to start. "That's fine, I will get to sing with everyone at the end and be with my church family as we hear God's Word together. I think I need this right now." So I sang and drove my way back to Jackson, TN from the airport (not without some tears and prayers as I wound down from the weekend alone on the drive) and walked in just at 10:40am. I went up in the balcony, and sang the part of the last song in the set before we laid hands on those joining and a young missionary couple we were sending back out to Peru. As we settle back in our seats, ready to read part of the passage for the preaching, Pastor Lee announced that my small group leader was at the ER with a brain bleed and that we would pray for him as we prayed through our passage. This is man who is like a father to me in Tennessee (his wife, my mentor), and he had taught me much about learning what is true, to dwell on it. and to be honest when I was feeling otherwise, repenting and turning back to the Lord for the past ten and a half years. He is very honest about these things himself. I did not know what to do with this news and I just felt panic start to flood me, and fought to not let it consume me. I was trying very hard not to think on the worst case scenarios of all the unknown circumstances. We now know that he is stable, but there are many uncertainties. 

I can only say that, in many ways and through many means, the Lord continually calmed me with his Word throughout the week and this Sunday with what is true. Because it is only in Him that we will find rest for our souls and our thoughts will quiet with peace beyond all understanding. The weekend has been a whirlwind of emotions, but as Lee said in his sermon (part 5 of 7) on Job today, God is in the whirlwind; He made it, and He is always good. There are so many things that happen that we do not want to happen. Some are just terrible things, and our God is always in control and He is always good. He is not far off; He is near. Be still, my soul, the Lord is on your side. His purposes are always good even when we cannot see it and one day, we will be with Him, and all now mysterious shall be bright at last. And even if we still do not understand the circumstances, we will see Him and we will know, without any shadow of doubt, that He is always good and always right.