Sometimes there are those days that you feel out of place.
Like what you thought you knew has been wrong and you don't know what is real anymore.
You see glimpses of the "real," but the technicolor of life has faded so that mostly everything is gray and blurred and you feel like you are just hanging on. The bursts of "real," the flash of "color" are so dim that you aren't even sure if they are real. You feel like if you say anything you will just be mellow-dramatic and they will try to talk you into feeling better. But, that's what you are trying to do for yourself. You're past that point; you are just surviving now.
The cynic is in. The hope is scarce or maybe even just lost. And you have no idea where to find it.
But, sometimes in the surviving, you start to see the others. Those who are trying to survive, too. Most of us are or have been there. Those moments that innocence has been stolen and reality of the cruel world has shattered the rose colored glasses you wore. And it's hard not to doubt all the goodness that you still do see.
And there are so many tears and lonely nights and it feels as though an ocean is under your skin. You may love to sing, write, paint, play, and be... but it feels as though those things are empty and not real anymore. That you are drowning under the mask of "just do the next thing." Get up, do the thing, see some people, go to bed. Repeat. But, sometimes it's in "just doing the next thing" that you start to see the glimmer. And it begins to grow.
Joy has to become something more than a feeling. It's a knowing. Trusting even when the feeling is gone and has been for a while, you have learned that it is so much more than a feeling. And in the resting and trusting, a seed of hope has been planted and begun to grow. Truth is more than wishing, wanting... it is steadfast and unmoveable. It is strong, but gentle. It is real. Because real joy can only come from and be tethered to what is true. So sometimes you have to hold on in the dark and remember that the light will come, because darkness is the absence of light. It's not a pervasive force that takes over, it is the absence of light. So you look for what is true. Not just what people say is true. But, what is true.
Because what is true is already existing and revealing itself. The Person. He is showing Himself to you before you even know that you have been looking for Him or before you even knew that you had been filling yourself with what you wanted to believe rather than what was true... which really, isn't true: really, you know what is true... but, you didn't want to face it, because in the actual truth, you are much more ugly and repulsive than you ever wanted to face, and YOU changed you to be that way. And your pride is what kept you there. And then, waking up slowly is SO painful. Much harder work than you ever wanted to sign up for. But, you are awake and to go back to being asleep means going back to a lie. So you ask Him to help you press in and keep you. And the Keeper is faithful, He will do so much more than we can ask or think.
Because, really, it's been me. And this me... has been lost and gets lost so very easily. And I have never felt so small and He has never felt so big. And, truly, that's not even close to the reality of it. I have been so terrified of that in the past... but, when I have started to find and beg that this little self be kept in the cleft of Him, and to see and know His goodness, He shows Himself in the Words and the Pages of the Secrets revealing Who He IS. And, it's not that He suddenly is doing it because of my asking, He always has been showing Himself there. And the Spirit whispers in the quiet, "I AM." Because He is eternally showing Himself, progressively revealing Who He Is in the Word. And He formed me and found me, I am eternally found. And even though I don't always know who I am, who I will be, and I really often don't like who I have been, it's the best thing in the world to be eternally found by the Keeper who will keep us, His kept. This is love. To be eternally found and kept and loved.
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