Perspective

It's been a crazy week. It's been a crazy year. 

I am tempted to be disheartened and saddened by the division, ugliness, anger, spew of manipulation and "my opinion versus your opinion." 

I am continually brought back down on my knees, in a bent-over posture of pouring over the Word of God, seeking His wisdom in all of this for: "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." (Proverbs 1:7)

The inauguration was yesterday, the women's march was today and this week is sanctity of human life week along with MLK Jr.'s birthday this past Monday. 

So many huge things. 

It's hard to sort through the enormous amount of crap, emotions and agendas. 

As we held our 6th annual Memorial for the Unborn, a memorial service for the babies whose lives were ended through abortion, Brent Lambert,the CEO and founder of Birth Choice at our location, spoke to us (the staff and volunteers) about the work that we do at Birth Choice. 

He said that someone had recently told him that this world too terrible and scary of a place to bring a child into. And then he went through a brief synopsis of our country's history since the start of WWII, where we have come from and what horrible and crazy things our nation has faced, until now with our 45th president. 

He reminded us that it's always been this way. Terrible and scary. Opening up scripture, we will always find that this life and this world is one full of selfishness, hate, destruction and corruption. 

He reminded us that there may come a time that places like Birth Choice will be shut down because laws may be passed requiring abortion to be performed or at least referred in comprehensive healthcare laws for women. We will never perform or refer for abortion. There may even come a time that to even secretly do the services we provide, without being paid, we may be put in jail for what we do. He reminded us that this election could have ended very differently and accelerated all of these possibilities. 

And then, he reminded us of Esther's worry of dying at going before the king to fight for her people and Mordecai's admonishment to her: "Do not think to yourself that in the king's palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:12-14) 

It must have taken the great boldness and strength of the Holy Spirit as she responded with quiet resolution to fight for the salvation, safety and lives of her people. To go before her husband, the king and the man who desired to kill her whole people group, begging him for the lives of her people to spared. 

Brent Lambert reminded us that every life has been put on this earth for such a time as this. 

Are we bowing the knee to Christ, seeking His kingdom to come on this earth as it is in heaven? 

What is God for: protection of those who cannot protect themselves! He is a God who loves life and wants us to fight for it and protect it! 

We fight injustice with honor and humility, like Esther, not demanding but proclaiming the truth, realizing that it will be received by those to whom the Spirit of God is revealing the truth (Jesus Christ) and rejected by those who reject the Spirit of God and the truth of Jesus. 

It is our job; it is mandated by the Lord, to be obedient, submissive to Christ, our King, realizing that He is our Judge and our Savior. 

Asserting ourselves over other races, opinions and women asserting themselves over men is a disordered distortion of the lives that God has given us, and is rebellion against our Creator. (And I say this as a strong, independent single women of 23 years old who is not afraid to speak her mind.) 

Also, the greatest injustices in our world right now are the dismemberment (yes, the tearing apart) of babies before they can draw their first breath and the underground enslavement of child, labor and sex slaves. 

Stats on abortion: 

http://www.numberofabortions.com/
(Also, food for thought: https://lorishouse.org/americas-silent-holocaust/)

Stats on slavery: https://www.walkfree.org/modern-slavery-facts/

If we are not with and for God and what His Word says, what are we for? 

Are we putting our own understanding of God on His Word, trying to fit it to our finite understanding of justice or are we seeking His Spirit to reveal His truth, realizing that the only way that we even know Him is because He first drew us to Himself? 

What are we truly living for? 

If we truly believe His truth, it will be manifested throughout all that we do. What we actually believe will come out of our mouths and be shown through our actions. 

WHY are we doing what we are doing? 

DO we truly believe? 

"Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into His presence. For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God." (2 Cor. 4:13-15)

We believe, so we speak and act according to what we truly believe and think. Whether we are conscious of it or not. 

I have been told that abortion is a one-sided issue, it's a small problem when there is so many more problems happening in our nation. If this is what you believe, I beg you to look again at how God views this issue. 

God has purposed that these babies' lives should exist and have a purpose, no matter what their gender, use to society, standing, convenience, planned or unplanned, conceived in rape, incest or a one-night-stand. This baby was made in His image, in His likeness, for His purpose, formed by His hands! Will we so easily diminish the act of taking these lives for the sake of convenience or any other reason? Is murder of innocent life so easily abstracted and justifiable? 

Besides that, I have been told that we do not care about the woman and her life, but just about the baby who lives inside of her. 

At Birth Choice, we fight for two lives whenever a client comes through the doors. Our actual focus is the woman, meeting and attending her and her needs, educating her on everything, the ENTIRE picture, and most importantly, sharing the gospel with her and providing her a safe place where she knows that she will be loved no matter what she decides and that she will always hear the truth from us. We would NOT exist if we did not care about her. We would not care shed tears (sometimes with her and sometimes before or after she comes in) as we wrap our arms around her to love and dive deep into the struggle, sharing the grace and mercy of our Lord whether she is life-minded, abortion-minded, post-abortive, or wherever else she stands. 

We know what we all deserve and we all know what we have received and we want more than anything for these women to walk with us before our Lord in eternity one day. This is kingdom work. 

Are you fighting? Are you fighting for or against it? There is no in between and you cannot remain silent any longer. 

May everything that we do be for the glory of CHRIST, walking in the Spirit of God, which is eternal life and not the flesh, which is death and reveals that the truth is not in us, furthering His kingdom until Christ comes putting it all to right finally. (Romans 8, 1 John 1, 2 & 3) 

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 Cor. 2:16-18) 

Praise God for the hope that we have in Christ and may we encourage each other while we have today, for tomorrow is not promised, but may we live another day to fight for the tomorrow of those who cannot fight for themselves, if not, then, praise God for we will be with Him. 

Day 1: Rhode Island Adventure; Returning to Roots

Trees- one of the best analogies for life 

and representative of the beauty of this trip: 

we grow and struggle; 

we are powerful yet dependent, 

shaped by our surroundings but enduring still. 

(A painting commissioned by a co-worker at Birth Choice)

Setting the scene: 
8 years. That's how long my family lived in Rhode Island. 
The longest I have ever lived anywhere. 

10 years. That's how long it's been since I had been to Rhode Island. My family moved from Rhode Island a couple months after my 13th birthday.

13 years + 10 years = 23 years. 

I moved when I was 13, 10 years have passed and, now, I'm 23. 
Simple math. 

But, not so simple years that were enriched and complicated with hormonal adolescence, a couple more moves to the different cultures of the Mid-West (Indiana), West (Colorado), and then two different flavors of the South (South Carolina and Tennessee). 
I have lived in Tennessee for the past 5 years- longer than anywhere else in these past 10 years, long enough to call it home- but I still claim New England as my roots. 

It was time to go back. 10 years was long enough. 
I had the time. 
The round trip ticket was about $100 and I could afford it. 
Being single, I had no family obligations and was able to call the shots by myself. 

Adventure is out there. 
I watched the plane ticket prices rise and fall for the month of October... 
And took the plunge. 

2 round trip tickets: 
Leaving on Thursday, December 15th from Nashville to Boston 
Returning on Tuesday, December 20th (early morning) from Boston to Nashville 
(5 days for a visit to Rhode Island)

Leaving on Tuesday, December 20th (evening) from Memphis to Denver
Returning on Thursday, December 29th from Denver to Memphis
(9 days in Colorado for Christmas with my family) 

I had many ideas, but mostly, my plans for my Rhode Island trip were extremely loose. 
What was certain: 
1) House sitting for my family friends, the Mellos while they were in Indiana for Abby's graduation from nursing school. 
2) Picking up their car from the T.F. Green airport in Rhode Island.
3) Taking care of Carol Mello's (I feel like I should still say Mrs. Mello) plants. 
4) Picking up the Mellos from T.F. Green airport before the end of my stay. 

The rest was yet to be determined. 
So, this is what happened:

Thursday, Dec. 15th: 
Because I lived almost 3 hours from the Nashville airport and my flight out to Boston was mid-morning, I drove up and spend the night at a dear family's house in Nashville (the Pedens). Mr. Peden graciously dropped me off at the airport on his way to work, sharing some wisdom and encouragement for most of the 20-30 minute drive. 
I flew JetBlue from Nashville to Boston, arriving around 3pm. 

SIDE NOTE: (I love flying. It's amazing to be defying the fact that we are land-bound by flying thousands of feet at such a great speed with people of all shapes and sizes and styles from all different backgrounds and walks of life. But, my severe and deathly peanut/nut allergy can be stressful on a plane, especially when I haven't flown with the airline before. It's a very small and very close-knit atmosphere, thousands of miles away from any medical aid besides my epi-pen that will only slow and not stop my anaphylactic reaction.)

I made it. Now, what to do? I was still trying to figure out how to get from Boston to the T.F. Green airport where I would pick up the Mello's car. I decided to hop on the bus from the airport to South Station so that I could catch a train to T.F. Green Airport. 
South Station was full of brash Boston accents and everyone rushing to their next destination, stopping only as they waited for their train, staring at a large screen of times coming and going. 
It was awesome. But, I had to catch the train in 3 minutes! 
And, missed it. Thankfully, I was supposed to buy the ticket on the train so I just waited an hour for the next train to Wickford, RI because they would stop by T.F. Green right before turning around at Wickford.

                            My train ride from Boston to Rhode Island 

                           (yes, that is a carpet bag and leather hand bag 

                            and yes, I found them at Good Will)

I chatted with the conductor, who was from New York: he made sure I got off at the right spot around 5:30pm and we argued about whether Moe's or Chipotle was better. (He was wrong, of course, Chipotle is always better.) It was great. 

So, after much walking and a little searching, I finally found the Mello's car and drove to get some Chipotle and Dunkin' Donuts before heading out to their house. (When in New England, always get some Dunkin'.) When I got to the Mello's, I made sure that I knew the combo to the garage door before stepping out into the brisk weather of 20 degrees. And, the code didn't work. I watched the video Mrs. Mello had sent me a few times, trying different ways to punch in the code. No success. 

I called and didn't hear from them. It's been about 30 minutes at this point. I started to think about back up options- well, there's always the car, but I knew that I would need to take care of the plants. 

As I am punching in the code again, the next door neighbor drives up and I decide to flag him down. 

"HEY. Do you know the Mellos? I am a friend of theirs who is staying with them; did they tell you that I was coming? Their garage door won't open and I can't get ahold of them." 

"Uh... No? Yah, I know them. But, no, I didn't know that." 

At this point, I realized that this was not one of the neighbors that Mrs. Mello had told me that I should contact in case of an emergency, but then he said, "Do you want to come inside while you wait to hear from them?" 

And I say sure, as I assess what to do in case he tried to attack me or hold me hostage and whether or not he would do any of those things. Warmth sounded pretty nice. 

"Do you want a beer, some water or something?" 

Warmth is just fine, thanks. "No thank you. I appreciate this so much!" 

Then, I get a FaceTime call from KR Mello, the oldest of the two girls. Carol pops up looking worriedly between her fingers at me. 

After assuring her that I was fine, showing her that I was at her neighbor's house and thanking him profusely some more, I went outside and we tried the code a few times with her walking me through it. No success. 

It had frozen. 

"Okay, Kaitlyn, I want you to go around and open the back of the porch and climb over the plants. You are going to have to break the glass panel above the door knob to open the door." 

What. 

"Are you sure, Mrs. Mello?"

"Yes! You need to get inside!" 

And, so I walk around and do as she says, opening the door, climbing over the plants. 

I look down at the screen of my phone. Blank and black. 

NO. My phone died. Dang it. 

Okay. Just got to do it. No time to go charge it at the neighbor's and try to explain. Just gonna have to do it. 

I look all around the porch for something that wasn't breakable. Finally, I went outside and searched for a rock that was big enough to have some weight but not big enough to break all of the panels of glass on the door. 

One, two, three. Doing it. Done. 

I did it. Breaking and entering (with the permission of the owners and their permission to post this story) on night one. Check. 

I opened up the garage door from the inside as I saw one of the neighbors rushing from down the rode. Okay, that was one of the neighbors that Mrs. Mello was talking about. She told me that Mrs. Mello called and asked her to check and make sure that I was okay, "Did you get inside the house?" 

"Yah. Everything's fine! Please tell her that I am fine and that I will call her as soon as possible! Thank you so much!" 

She didn't need to know about the whole breaking and entering part. Unnecessary information. 

I brought everything inside, charged my phone then called Mrs. Mello back. 

"I am so so sorry. I really didn't want to have to do it." 

"Kaitlyn, I am just glad that you are inside and that you are safe." 

Haha. The Mellos are awesome. 

I knew it was going to be a great trip, but what a way to start. 

After I taped up the window and swept up the glass, I went to bed. It was 10pm or something. That's enough adventure for the night. 

The Personhood of Truth

God is so gracious. When we are discouraged, He draws us near with truth that brings comfort that runs deep and wide, paling the fleeting flash of comfort from selfish indulgences. (Psalm 73; Rom. 12)

God is to be praised and thanked: 
For when I am weak that others may see it, and see that You are strong. (2 Cor. 4) 
For the beauty found in my sin spoken out loud, that the confession destroys it's stronghold through the power of the Spirit's conviction. (1 John 1)
For the discernment in revealing a lie in my heart, that it pale and shrivel from the light of the truth in Your Word. (Hebrews 4)
For the power of the love of God, to overcome pain, suffering and hurt; to provide, soothe and heal. (Psalm 34, 40)

Because truth, love and hope are not a circumstance. 
Not even an idea. 
But, they are a person. 
Jesus Christ. 
(Isaiah 9; Daniel 7)

His name alone has the power to cast out demons. 
If His name has that kind of power, then how much more powerful can He Himself be? 
More than enough to save us. (Mark 9; Acts 2)

His humility is great enough to obey His Father, doing His will, though it meant setting aside all that He ever had and was. It meant being separated from His Father in taking His Father's wrath against injustice, sin, evil and rebellion upon Himself. (Eph. 2)

THAT is how GREAT His love, mercy and grace is for us. 
THAT is how even GREATER His love and devotion to the Father, who did not spare His Son, who was part of Him. (John 3, 
His Father willed that this would happen, that we would be able to be with Him forever. Eternally. 

It is hard to swallow. Hard to believe. How is it even possible? 

And, do we truly love Him? 
Is it possible to love in such a way? 

Sure, maybe I have loved someone close to me with reckless abandon, but have I hurt them? Maybe not consistently or not intentionally. But, I try to be a good person. Is it enough? 

Well, do I love like Christ? 
No. 
I cannot. 
For all my striving, all of it has some tainted, jaded and warped motive in my mind with the scheme of being "good enough," self-righteously asserting myself above those who don't strive to be good enough.
Then, viciously punishing myself, berating myself to "be better next time" whenever I fail. 

I am no better than those who live blatantly in opposition to Christ. In fact, some might say I am much worse.  

It is not possible. Being good enough. 
It is incomprehensible. It cannot be earned. 
(Romans 3)

But thank the LORD Jesus Christ that it is not! For then, I would not know Him when He pursued me, but besides that I would be lost forever, never measuring, not for all my useless striving. 
Christ's sacrifice is my atonement. 
Hallelujah. AMEN! 
His resurrection is my seal of salvation. 
His ascension is my glorification in being hidden in Him, to be His servant. 
His coming back someday is my reason to hope. 
(Ephesians 2)

We live in the tension of "already and not yet."
It is finished but not quite. 
We have grace and mercy still each day we are given, that He may be made known. (Psalm 51; Isaiah 61)

How silly it is that we compartmentalize and say, "oh, wow, that's great, but calm down, now," with a little eye rolling at the "radically religious." 

Let's take the idea above and put in into context: 
Jesus saved us from hell- HE SAVED US ALL (if you believe and follow Him) from damnation, separation from Him forever- 
It's not the location or even the situation, but the lack of the person that will be what is horrific about it. 

Because hope is a person. 

So, we CANNOT calm down or be silent, but beg for you to believe and bow the knee. 
He desperately loves us. 
Thankfully, because of what He has done, nothing can separate us from that love. (Rom. 8)

And, by the power of the Spirit, revealing and causing us to believe and live in Christ and Christ in us daily, we are filled with His love. (all of 1 John, but specifically 2-4)

My Friend

In the inky black, a bird softly sang his song. A couple more joined him. After a while, so many birds had joined in, that you would have thought that the entire realm of birds was singing the "Hallelujah" chorus in their language of squawks, chirps, and whistles. All at different rhythms with different tempos and keys, of course. They were warming up, like the orchestra before the curtain is drawn and the conductor makes his appearance to begin the show. They were preparing. 

Then, a hint of soft pink peeked out from the horizon and seeped into the sky. Then, a sliver of brilliance. The sliver slowly grew. As it grew, it touched more and more of its surroundings with it's golden fingertips, like a mother reaching out to comfort a child in the dark with the warmth of her touch. After a while, the sliver turned into a sphere of trapped fire, with the brilliance poured out over the horizon and touching everything in sight. 

It had been a long night. But, you looked out and knew. Here she was. Dawn had come. And, everything sang with joy at her arrival. 

Light in the night

Random post that I hope will encourage you. 
A reminder of how God works in mysterious and amazing ways to bless us: 
I came back to my house from playing games with some pals, and ran inside with arms full of stuff. I had forgotten something and ran back to grab it from my car as an afterthought. The lock on the door locks from the inside and was turned and it is easy to forget this because it turns from the inside but not from the outside. So, I forgot this when I shut the door- afterall, I was coming back inside in a second, so I didn't need my keys. 

So, I grabbed the few things, locked my car and reached for the door to find that it was locked. Great. 

Thankfully, I hadn't taken my shoes off yet, but I was locked outside of my house and my car without a jacket in 40 degree weather and none of my roommates were home because they had night shifts. 
And it was 10:45pm at night. 

So, I texted them (PRAISE GOD that I had my phone with me in my back pocket!!!) and the earliest one could be home was sometime after midnight and the other one said that the earliest would be about 1:15am after a clinical. 

So I thought, 'praise God they don't have overnight shifts and I will get to sleep inside tonight.' Otherwise I may have called one of my friends or small group members and that wouldn't have been one of the most fun conversations. But I know that they would have helped me. 

But I knew that I could stick out a hour or so till one of my roomies came home. So, I read a little scripture, watched a little of a show for 5 minutes and then walked around my driveway and prayed. 

Then, I thought, (which had to have been the Holy Spirit's prompting) 'Maybe one of my brothers is awake!' So I texted them all to ask and just walked around and prayed and thought some more. 

One of them responded and then called me at 11:45pm. He and I hadn't spoken in a few weeks and I had been so busy I hadn't been able to catch up. Well, we talked until one of my roommates made it home around 12:45pm and then for another 45 minutes after that. 

We talked about what the Lord was teaching us and what the Bible says about marriage, God's sovereignty, Christians receiving and having the Holy Spirit, reformed Baptist theology and doctrine, predestination, trusting the Lord, sin, the church and spiritual gifts. 

It was so very encouraging- I was amazed. This kid was 18 and the Lord was teaching Him amazing things. 

Not only did the Lord make me not scared or frustrated about being locked out, but He made me thankful that my roommate could let me in and thankful that I was locked out because I got to talk to my brother. 

2016 testimony

I easily both remember and forget the past in the worst of the ways. I remember the hard things and can easily twist them to keep me in bondage, but I easily forget the grace in the things that have happened. 

So, I felt compelled to remember the whole picture of the past few months. And, I wrote. I wrote for about an hour. 
To remember. 

I want to tell you my most recent story. Not because of me, but because sharing what has happened to me will encourage others, because it is so so so much bigger than me. 

Stories make us remember. 
They make us remember who we are and remind us of truth. 
They give us perspective. 

So, hello. 
My name is Kaitlyn. 
Some of you may know me and some of you may not. 

I am going to rewind back to this past July of 2016 and give you some of the story of what God has been doing. 
It was the first week of July and summer was crazy. 
I was working 3 odd jobs and other little side jobs, then hanging out with friends in the in-between-times. 

***Backing up even more, I graduated last December of 2015 with a degree in Music Education; so what does that mean? Well, you become a music educator, right? 
But, see, I was TERRIFIED and so incredibly anxious about teaching. It's not that I couldn't do it, in fact, the Lord provided a job in February for the spring semester of 2016 to teach at Caywood Elementary School in Lexington, TN. It was an incredible experience. My degree and my experience proved that I could do it. It wasn't about "open/closed doors" or "ability." 
I just didn't want to teach and something in me said, "NO WAY." 
It had nothing to do with not loving kids, not loving music, not loving learning or anything like that. It had everything to do with me being in the position of being a teacher. 

More context: my parents are wonderful. Some of the best parents in the world and the love the Lord dearly. But, we have fought about (well, its more that we have disagreed SO much) about me staying in Jackson and sometimes about job situations (which is understandable, because they had just given and sacrificed so much to help me get the degree that I had just earned.) I want nothing more than to please them and to get along with them, but this is in conflict with my heart and what the Lord has been pressing on it. 

BACK TO JULY 2016: 
So, I am working all these odd jobs and I am miserable doing it. I just wanted to quit, stop and just be at one place doing something that I loved. 
The Lord made it very clear to me that He wanted me to stay at my church, Cornerstone Community Church because it was my home, family, friends and community now. So, that meant staying in Jackson. I had never grown so much as I had here, and the Lord helped me realize that I have a lot more growing to do before I can leave.
This was very hard to explain to my parents who had just moved back to Colorado. After all, what am I doing in Jackson instead of being at the foothills of the mountains? 

I decided, why not nanny? An opportunity came up that I was hesitant to take for all of June (after all, I wanted to be sure but too way too long). I called them at the end of June and then they took some time to think about it. Finally, after it all, they got back to me and I had the job. I was so thankful. Praise God! It was definitely a crazy cool God-thing how it all worked out. 

But, then one week later, during Union University's annual music camp, I received a call saying that the job actually wasn't going to work out. I was so tired and frustrated. I remember I was about to leave my mentor/dear friend, Alice Nettles house and knocked on the door to process it with her and another friend. It was rough. 

A couple days later, I went home for a week to Colorado to go hike and camp in the Rockies with my dad for his birthday. I was going home with no plan and no job. Well, you can guess what my parents said and suggested. 
But, I knew I was supposed to be in Jackson. 
Well, when I was out there, I met all sorts of wonderful people out there from my parents church, Storyline. Ben Mendrel from Englewood in Jackson, TN planted a church out there and my parents, of course went to this church. Crazy, huh? Definitely not coincidental! Maybe the Lord wanted me there in Colorado after all? I felt so confused. 

I came back to Jackson, and there was one week left of July. I had no job, no plan, my rent was up by the end of the week and I had no place to move to. My parents wanted me to move back to Colorado, and while I felt like I was supposed to be here, I had just quit the Lift and reduced my hours at Old Navy. 

I had no idea what was going to happen, what I wanted to do or what I was supposed to do. I had always felt as though a job, a home, finding a husband and knowing my purpose would give me security, an agenda, a plan, status, love, fulfill my needs and give me an identity.  
And through all this crazy not-knowing, the Lord so sweetly and gently reminded me that He fulfills all those things and graciously pursues me as I willingly run after things that will fade away and not sustain me. 

OK. But, you are probably wondering what happened to me that last week of July, huh? 
Well, the Lord also very graciously and miraculously provided for those things, too. 
In 24 hours, I found a house, met all my new roommates (I knew 2 of girls, but not the 3rd girl, and they all didn't know each other too!) looked at the house, decided to live together and live in the house, got all of the paperwork together (THAT WAS SOOOO CRAZY, never doing it again) and started moving in  to the house. All a couple days before we were done with rent at the previous house. And, we all had our own rooms: PRAISE. It's a dreamy little house. 
The same weekend, I got another job as a nanny. 

It was a roller coaster and I was exhausted, but so grateful. The Lord taught me so much about Himself, myself and the body of Christ. I had so many friends and church members praying, encouraging and helping me during all of this mess. I had to ask for so much help and prayer and they were all so gracious with me. 
The Lord showed me how He works through the body to support and provide need. 

But, He wasn't done yet. (Though, honestly, He isn't ever done with us, at least not until, Christ comes back!!!) 
One month of working as a nanny and I was burnt out, wanting to press on but also wanting out and discouraged: 
The mother that I worked for was pressing and trying to convince me of things that were completely against the gospel and contrary to God's word daily and I was worn down. But, providentially, I was not able to stay with them because they couldn't keep me on because of re-evaluating finances. 
So, I was jobless again. 

That Tuesday after finishing my last week with them, my car broken down and I had to put about $1,000 into it and the same night, our family dog of 12 years died. My roommates and I were having house maintenance issues: mold, moisture and the dishwasher leaking. 

I was needing to trust the Lord and that He would provide for my needs and that HE was what I needed even more than these pressing monetary and physical needs. 

Thankfully, I had enough money to fix my car and I had so much help from my mentor and her husband (my small group leaders, Alice and Dr. Nettles.) The Lord provided in small ways but significant ways during my time of not having a job through different odd jobs and picking up some piano and voice students. 

Also, as some of you may know, my church, Cornerstone, went through a MAJOR move in October and it took SO MUCH work to make it happen. 

Well, the great thing about not having a job (though believe me, not having a job is NOT great!) is that you suddenly have all this time available. 
But, then suddenly, I had NO time because I was at the church doing whatever I could to help or I was with people from church, spending time with them or helping them or I was applying for jobs. 
**I am not saying this to brag because if it was me doing this, it would not have been possible and I would have been bawling my eyes out, stressing out and paralyzed, unable to function. (Trust me, I have been there before!) But, He told me to get up, stop moping and to trust Him. So, I applied for jobs and worked at the church. 

He kept telling me that I needed to pursue knowing Him better more than I needed to pursue anything else. 

Well, Lili Tankersley, Pastor Lee's wife, told me about a job one night, while we were painting trim in her husband's office in the new building. The lead receptionist at Birth Choice was pregnant and her husband wanted her to stay home with their baby. They needed someone to fill the spot very soon. I thanked her and mentally said to myself, 'Well, you've been running from teaching and that's what you are supposed to do come October.'

You see, there was this music teaching position opening in October and I had applied for it. I was hopefully going to get it, but the Lord kept bringing to mind the job at Birth Choice. He kept reminding me to pray about where He was working and where He needed to work in me. 

He caused me to realize that I was supposed to turn down the teaching job and work at Birth Choice. This all happened only a couple weeks after losing my nanny job. I would not start until mid October, but the Lord was gracious to show me where I was to work to start preparing for it and providing small odd jobs to sustain me until I started this new job. 
When discussing this with a dear friend, Tina, who had hosted me, allowing me to live with them the previous summer, she told me that she was close to the lead receptionist, Britt, whose job I would be taking and that when Britt had first become pregnant, they prayed together that if she was supposed to stay with her new baby, that the Lord would provide the right person to take the job. Tina told me, "Kaitlyn, I had no idea that I was praying for you! It's so amazing how the Lord works." 
The more I talked to people and prayed, the more I realized that the Lord wanted me at Birth Choice. And, He was gracious to bring me right when they needed someone very soon. So, mid October, I started training there and this past week of November was my first week by myself! 

The Lord has already used this job to show me even further than before that my purpose and calling is to follow Him, to know Him deeply and to make Him known. 

I was scared and crippled for so long by my fear of not knowing what I was doing, what I was good at, what I should do, how to encourage people or how to reach out to people at church. I was doing a lot of striving and masquerading and not very much praying or seeking my identity in Christ. 

But, praise God that He is a God who we can trust, who loves us, knows what we need and pursues us. Because I was afraid, struggling, feeling out of control, needed healing and humility and the Lord is still working on all of those things in me. He is telling us that we need to seek Him and He will reveal Himself to us. He is our identity because of Christ and we can do nothing apart from Him. 

And I know that this job is one of the best in the world and that I am supposed to be there until the Lord tells me otherwise because I have never grown so much. I have never been able to have so much joy and so much pain without relying completely on Him here. 
But, as soon as this job becomes my identity or I become more passionate about Birth Choice than Christ, I sin. 
Because I exist and live for Christ and because of Christ; to honor Him and make Him known. 

And I charge you, as my brothers and sisters to hold me accountable to this and compassionately and loving pursue me if and when I forget that. 
Because me being me, I will forget, but by the power of the Holy Spirit and the conviction of the Word of God, we can be reminded of the truth, repent, believe and then, proclaim. 

This job completely drains me, makes me so sad, and yet so fulfilled. I am so sensitive and easily crushed. I feel it all so deeply. 

The Lord causes me to see that I seek to cover this part of me up, to change it, wish it away, numb it. But, He has created me this way to do this job and reach women, not trusting myself of fulfilling myself, but seeking Him in all things. It's to know Him deeper and to turn to Him in all things. 
And this is suffering and bearing burdens. 

But I could never, ever, EVER do it without Christ and His Spirit and His Word. It is His work in me. 
I see that He is causing me to believe truth, reject lies, confess sin, turn to Him instead of numbing and give more. 
I know myself better now than I ever have because of His work in my heart and because I know Him better. 

This experience reminds me that to think I know my needs and assume to know God's will without seeking the Lord is to rebel against Him. God knows me and causes me to know Him because HE is my need. 

Unexpected Updates and Blessings

 I haven't been sure how this year would pan out from the beginning of it, but I certainly didn't think that I would end up here. 

So, I start out 2016- a freshly-graduated adult, who is trying to figure it all out. Alright, I thought, let's try and get a teaching job; that's what you have a degree in, that's what you need to do.

So, I did. 

I taught February to May for a teacher who was on maternity leave and it was a good and formative experience, but I was still asking myself: are you really supposed to be a teacher? Maybe. 

Come summer, I have decided, NO! I am not teaching, instead, I am going to nanny and figure things out. After a saga of yes and no's and multiple ups and downs, I have a job, and I am nannying for a family who just moved to town a couple weeks before. 

Praise God, I have a job. 

Well, a couple weeks in, and I am wondering: what am I doing? 

I was more exhausted and spent than ever and very discouraged. 

I was going to stick it out, though. 

But, then, things just stopped. No more job after 3 weeks (almost a whole month.) I was surprised, kinda sad, but mostly, very relieved and thankful. I started applying for teaching jobs and for other various jobs out there. Maybe I had been running away from teaching this whole time. 

Okay, I thought, what now, Lord? What am I supposed to do? 

As I prayed and read scripture, it became very clear to me that I didn't need to focus on what I should be doing as much as I should be focusing on knowing the Lord better. He made it very clear to me in this nanny job that I needed to be more grounded in truth.  

"I love you and I want you to know me better." (John 14:6-7) I strongly felt this from Him. "I want you to stop looking for how you can work for me and let me show you what I want to do in you and with your life." (John 15; Jer. 29:11-14; Is. 61:1-4) 

Okay. Yes. What is this work that the Lord wants to do? I knew I wouldn't get the answer right away. But, reading scripture and praying, the Lord starting showing me that I have been looking for a plan and fitting myself to any plan I could and labeling it: "God's work for me to do" instead of just letting go of the false identity and trusting Him with my whole life. Time to start letting go. 

Outdoor Bible time is really good for the soul

What happened those first two weeks of unemployment isn't what would have happened one month before. I was proactive, putting myself out there, investing in my church, working on projects. Before, I was paralyzed, believing the lie that there was no way out and forgetting that the Lord was in control. This was work of the Lord, reminding me, "I love you and I will take care of you. Fear not, for if I am taking care of your soul, I will take care of means to provide for yourself." (Matt. 6:25-34)

Friends, please, please, please realize that this is the Lord's work. 

I cannot take any credit, for when I was at work, I was moping around and worrying about what was next and falling apart. 
(Eph. 2; 3:14-21; 2 Cor 5:11-21)

Well, it came down to this, the wife of one of the pastor's at my church and I were painting our new church building (actually, I think we were even painting his office, hope that it looks okay! haha) when she mentioned that the woman who was the lead receptionist at Birth Choice was going to be leaving around Thanksgiving. She just wanted to let me know in case I wanted to apply. I thanked her, touched that she would think of me, and sort of dismissed in my mind. After all, I was looking for a music teaching job and was waiting to hear back from a likely prospect.

But, then as I thought more and more about it, I remembered several things. Things that the Lord had quietly put in my heart as He has been pursuing and loving me all of these years. 

1) When I was 15, the Lord strongly impressed on me that women and girls needed to know that purity and healing comes from what Christ has done for us on the cross and is possible because He laid our sin in the grave and left it there when He conquered death and rose again. (Rom. 3:21-31)

2) Numerous experiences happening in my life, causing me to be very against pro-choice, very for the redemption and love of broken women and girls and their healing, very pro-life and very pro-adoption. (Rom. 5; 2 Cor 4 and 5, Is. 61:1-4) 

3) I am extremely relational and very overwhelmed with trying to invest/teach multiple people at once, but thrive in the one-on-one or small group setting and thrive on completing many little tasks exactly as desired. (Rom. 10)

So, I asked my pastor's wife to talk request an application on my behalf, filled it out and went in that Thursday September 15th to meet this Chris lady with my hard copy of my application for the lead receptionist job in hand. 

(Pretty crazy: I had a teaching interview lined up the next day and all.)

Well, Tuesday September 20th, I went back in to Birth Choice to ask to accept the job, if they would have me. 

I will start training under the amazing lady, Britt, who is working there currently October 17th. 

This may seem random, but looking at light

through God's creation is so meaningful.

I am so thankful for all these ups and downs because I see the Lord's providential working in it all and how He has taught me some amazing truths and brought me to some places of brokenness to heal me from lies and to believe more in His truth. Because of Christ, we can believe in the love and the grace that God extends to us and realize the goodness of the Lord. (2 Cor. 3)

He was in all of this. 

And, I am, again, amazed and thankful.