Today was a day that had little microcosms of moments that could have combined to send me spiraling... Or at least that's what I'm often tempted to feel on such days and struggle with when several little things happen to poke at my tender heart in the sore spots, leaving my heart exposed. I even had someone who I barely have just met check in concerning one of these little moments, that in the past, usually would have been a jab at one of my greatest insecurities. But instead, today, in the tapestry of these events woven together, I saw the love and nearness of the Lord. And I was reminded, again: each and every moment that I am laid bare is the Lord's mercy and love to expose my heart, still laden with sinful remnants of my old self. And the Lord was kind to send someone to double check on me, even seeing that this could be a difficult moment, but to also affirm his work to till the soil of my heart in such moments.
Later in the day, I was reading an excerpt from a book and reflecting on the day as I was chipping away at another assignment that I am tempted to grumble about because it feels like busy work to me. In this excerpt, I saw the Lord's kindness echo here, too.
Dear reader, you likely have read The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis, yes?
Me, too. And, oh, if you haven't may my rambling not drive you away from it.
Anyways, one of my favorite parts is when Jill is so parched and finds a river, but there is a terrible and great lion right in her way to this nourishing water that would quench her thirst. And I'm reminded of the conversation with a stranger who I have met in person who has become a friend. And I am reminded of the strange, awkward moments of this day, full of things, that in the past I would fret over and be consumed by with overthinking. But instead, I just see the Lord's kindness, reminding me that he says to come and drink.
“Are you thirsty?” said the Lion.
“I’m dying of thirst,” said Jill
“Then drink,” said the Lion.
“May I – could I – would you mind going away while I
do?” said Jill.
The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low
growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realized that she might as
well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience.
The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving
her nearly frantic.
“Will you promise not to – do anything to me, if I
come?” said Jill.
“I make no promise,” said the Lion.
Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she
had come a step nearer.
“Do you eat girls?” she said.
“I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men,
kings and emperors, cities and realms,” said the Lion. It didn’t say this as if
it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said
it.
“I daren’t come and drink,” said Jill.
“Then you will die of thirst,” said the Lion.
“Oh dear!” said Jill, coming another step nearer. “I
suppose I must go and look for another stream then.”
“There is no other stream,” said the Lion.”[1]
Here's some of my reflection on this excerpt: we will be consumed at times, but he will keep us to the end. There will be days that not even we know and see all the intricate ways that we have to die, because he is not tame in the way that we feel that tameness ought to be. But, he is always good and far more kind than I will ever be able to fully comprehend. The marvelous riches of his glory are unsearchable and his lovingkindness will take us in like a riptide, so we come and continue to learn to die that we may fully live. And maybe he will remind us that we aren't crazy because someone else noticed that moment when we just went through a difficult little bit of the journey... But, whether or not someone else was a witness is not the point, because God is just and merciful, and he sees everything.
And I simply do not get what I deserve, because he has pardoned me by his Son. And, the Son will always be the everlasting well who quenches my thirst and leaves me thirsty for more, for I will never able to be truly satiated by any other source. And I am reminded me of a favorite old hymn reset to a musical setting that my previous church sang often, reminding one another of how his mercy has kept us... And all of these things make all the difference.
(words by John Stocker, music resetting by Sandra McCracken)
Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song,
the joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue;
thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
hath won my affections, and bound my soul fast.
Without thy sweet mercy I could not live here
sin would reduce me to utter despair;
but, through thy free goodness, my spirits revive,
and he that first made me, still keeps me alive.
Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonder to feel its own hardness depart,
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground,
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found,.
Hallelujah, hallelujah.
Great Father of mercy, Thy goodness I own,
And the covenant love of Thy crucified Son,
All praise to the Spirit whose whisper divine,
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine,
All praise to the Spirit whose whisper divine,
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine,
Hallelujah, hallelujah.”[2]
