Light in the night

Random post that I hope will encourage you. 
A reminder of how God works in mysterious and amazing ways to bless us: 
I came back to my house from playing games with some pals, and ran inside with arms full of stuff. I had forgotten something and ran back to grab it from my car as an afterthought. The lock on the door locks from the inside and was turned and it is easy to forget this because it turns from the inside but not from the outside. So, I forgot this when I shut the door- afterall, I was coming back inside in a second, so I didn't need my keys. 

So, I grabbed the few things, locked my car and reached for the door to find that it was locked. Great. 

Thankfully, I hadn't taken my shoes off yet, but I was locked outside of my house and my car without a jacket in 40 degree weather and none of my roommates were home because they had night shifts. 
And it was 10:45pm at night. 

So, I texted them (PRAISE GOD that I had my phone with me in my back pocket!!!) and the earliest one could be home was sometime after midnight and the other one said that the earliest would be about 1:15am after a clinical. 

So I thought, 'praise God they don't have overnight shifts and I will get to sleep inside tonight.' Otherwise I may have called one of my friends or small group members and that wouldn't have been one of the most fun conversations. But I know that they would have helped me. 

But I knew that I could stick out a hour or so till one of my roomies came home. So, I read a little scripture, watched a little of a show for 5 minutes and then walked around my driveway and prayed. 

Then, I thought, (which had to have been the Holy Spirit's prompting) 'Maybe one of my brothers is awake!' So I texted them all to ask and just walked around and prayed and thought some more. 

One of them responded and then called me at 11:45pm. He and I hadn't spoken in a few weeks and I had been so busy I hadn't been able to catch up. Well, we talked until one of my roommates made it home around 12:45pm and then for another 45 minutes after that. 

We talked about what the Lord was teaching us and what the Bible says about marriage, God's sovereignty, Christians receiving and having the Holy Spirit, reformed Baptist theology and doctrine, predestination, trusting the Lord, sin, the church and spiritual gifts. 

It was so very encouraging- I was amazed. This kid was 18 and the Lord was teaching Him amazing things. 

Not only did the Lord make me not scared or frustrated about being locked out, but He made me thankful that my roommate could let me in and thankful that I was locked out because I got to talk to my brother. 

2016 testimony

I easily both remember and forget the past in the worst of the ways. I remember the hard things and can easily twist them to keep me in bondage, but I easily forget the grace in the things that have happened. 

So, I felt compelled to remember the whole picture of the past few months. And, I wrote. I wrote for about an hour. 
To remember. 

I want to tell you my most recent story. Not because of me, but because sharing what has happened to me will encourage others, because it is so so so much bigger than me. 

Stories make us remember. 
They make us remember who we are and remind us of truth. 
They give us perspective. 

So, hello. 
My name is Kaitlyn. 
Some of you may know me and some of you may not. 

I am going to rewind back to this past July of 2016 and give you some of the story of what God has been doing. 
It was the first week of July and summer was crazy. 
I was working 3 odd jobs and other little side jobs, then hanging out with friends in the in-between-times. 

***Backing up even more, I graduated last December of 2015 with a degree in Music Education; so what does that mean? Well, you become a music educator, right? 
But, see, I was TERRIFIED and so incredibly anxious about teaching. It's not that I couldn't do it, in fact, the Lord provided a job in February for the spring semester of 2016 to teach at Caywood Elementary School in Lexington, TN. It was an incredible experience. My degree and my experience proved that I could do it. It wasn't about "open/closed doors" or "ability." 
I just didn't want to teach and something in me said, "NO WAY." 
It had nothing to do with not loving kids, not loving music, not loving learning or anything like that. It had everything to do with me being in the position of being a teacher. 

More context: my parents are wonderful. Some of the best parents in the world and the love the Lord dearly. But, we have fought about (well, its more that we have disagreed SO much) about me staying in Jackson and sometimes about job situations (which is understandable, because they had just given and sacrificed so much to help me get the degree that I had just earned.) I want nothing more than to please them and to get along with them, but this is in conflict with my heart and what the Lord has been pressing on it. 

BACK TO JULY 2016: 
So, I am working all these odd jobs and I am miserable doing it. I just wanted to quit, stop and just be at one place doing something that I loved. 
The Lord made it very clear to me that He wanted me to stay at my church, Cornerstone Community Church because it was my home, family, friends and community now. So, that meant staying in Jackson. I had never grown so much as I had here, and the Lord helped me realize that I have a lot more growing to do before I can leave.
This was very hard to explain to my parents who had just moved back to Colorado. After all, what am I doing in Jackson instead of being at the foothills of the mountains? 

I decided, why not nanny? An opportunity came up that I was hesitant to take for all of June (after all, I wanted to be sure but too way too long). I called them at the end of June and then they took some time to think about it. Finally, after it all, they got back to me and I had the job. I was so thankful. Praise God! It was definitely a crazy cool God-thing how it all worked out. 

But, then one week later, during Union University's annual music camp, I received a call saying that the job actually wasn't going to work out. I was so tired and frustrated. I remember I was about to leave my mentor/dear friend, Alice Nettles house and knocked on the door to process it with her and another friend. It was rough. 

A couple days later, I went home for a week to Colorado to go hike and camp in the Rockies with my dad for his birthday. I was going home with no plan and no job. Well, you can guess what my parents said and suggested. 
But, I knew I was supposed to be in Jackson. 
Well, when I was out there, I met all sorts of wonderful people out there from my parents church, Storyline. Ben Mendrel from Englewood in Jackson, TN planted a church out there and my parents, of course went to this church. Crazy, huh? Definitely not coincidental! Maybe the Lord wanted me there in Colorado after all? I felt so confused. 

I came back to Jackson, and there was one week left of July. I had no job, no plan, my rent was up by the end of the week and I had no place to move to. My parents wanted me to move back to Colorado, and while I felt like I was supposed to be here, I had just quit the Lift and reduced my hours at Old Navy. 

I had no idea what was going to happen, what I wanted to do or what I was supposed to do. I had always felt as though a job, a home, finding a husband and knowing my purpose would give me security, an agenda, a plan, status, love, fulfill my needs and give me an identity.  
And through all this crazy not-knowing, the Lord so sweetly and gently reminded me that He fulfills all those things and graciously pursues me as I willingly run after things that will fade away and not sustain me. 

OK. But, you are probably wondering what happened to me that last week of July, huh? 
Well, the Lord also very graciously and miraculously provided for those things, too. 
In 24 hours, I found a house, met all my new roommates (I knew 2 of girls, but not the 3rd girl, and they all didn't know each other too!) looked at the house, decided to live together and live in the house, got all of the paperwork together (THAT WAS SOOOO CRAZY, never doing it again) and started moving in  to the house. All a couple days before we were done with rent at the previous house. And, we all had our own rooms: PRAISE. It's a dreamy little house. 
The same weekend, I got another job as a nanny. 

It was a roller coaster and I was exhausted, but so grateful. The Lord taught me so much about Himself, myself and the body of Christ. I had so many friends and church members praying, encouraging and helping me during all of this mess. I had to ask for so much help and prayer and they were all so gracious with me. 
The Lord showed me how He works through the body to support and provide need. 

But, He wasn't done yet. (Though, honestly, He isn't ever done with us, at least not until, Christ comes back!!!) 
One month of working as a nanny and I was burnt out, wanting to press on but also wanting out and discouraged: 
The mother that I worked for was pressing and trying to convince me of things that were completely against the gospel and contrary to God's word daily and I was worn down. But, providentially, I was not able to stay with them because they couldn't keep me on because of re-evaluating finances. 
So, I was jobless again. 

That Tuesday after finishing my last week with them, my car broken down and I had to put about $1,000 into it and the same night, our family dog of 12 years died. My roommates and I were having house maintenance issues: mold, moisture and the dishwasher leaking. 

I was needing to trust the Lord and that He would provide for my needs and that HE was what I needed even more than these pressing monetary and physical needs. 

Thankfully, I had enough money to fix my car and I had so much help from my mentor and her husband (my small group leaders, Alice and Dr. Nettles.) The Lord provided in small ways but significant ways during my time of not having a job through different odd jobs and picking up some piano and voice students. 

Also, as some of you may know, my church, Cornerstone, went through a MAJOR move in October and it took SO MUCH work to make it happen. 

Well, the great thing about not having a job (though believe me, not having a job is NOT great!) is that you suddenly have all this time available. 
But, then suddenly, I had NO time because I was at the church doing whatever I could to help or I was with people from church, spending time with them or helping them or I was applying for jobs. 
**I am not saying this to brag because if it was me doing this, it would not have been possible and I would have been bawling my eyes out, stressing out and paralyzed, unable to function. (Trust me, I have been there before!) But, He told me to get up, stop moping and to trust Him. So, I applied for jobs and worked at the church. 

He kept telling me that I needed to pursue knowing Him better more than I needed to pursue anything else. 

Well, Lili Tankersley, Pastor Lee's wife, told me about a job one night, while we were painting trim in her husband's office in the new building. The lead receptionist at Birth Choice was pregnant and her husband wanted her to stay home with their baby. They needed someone to fill the spot very soon. I thanked her and mentally said to myself, 'Well, you've been running from teaching and that's what you are supposed to do come October.'

You see, there was this music teaching position opening in October and I had applied for it. I was hopefully going to get it, but the Lord kept bringing to mind the job at Birth Choice. He kept reminding me to pray about where He was working and where He needed to work in me. 

He caused me to realize that I was supposed to turn down the teaching job and work at Birth Choice. This all happened only a couple weeks after losing my nanny job. I would not start until mid October, but the Lord was gracious to show me where I was to work to start preparing for it and providing small odd jobs to sustain me until I started this new job. 
When discussing this with a dear friend, Tina, who had hosted me, allowing me to live with them the previous summer, she told me that she was close to the lead receptionist, Britt, whose job I would be taking and that when Britt had first become pregnant, they prayed together that if she was supposed to stay with her new baby, that the Lord would provide the right person to take the job. Tina told me, "Kaitlyn, I had no idea that I was praying for you! It's so amazing how the Lord works." 
The more I talked to people and prayed, the more I realized that the Lord wanted me at Birth Choice. And, He was gracious to bring me right when they needed someone very soon. So, mid October, I started training there and this past week of November was my first week by myself! 

The Lord has already used this job to show me even further than before that my purpose and calling is to follow Him, to know Him deeply and to make Him known. 

I was scared and crippled for so long by my fear of not knowing what I was doing, what I was good at, what I should do, how to encourage people or how to reach out to people at church. I was doing a lot of striving and masquerading and not very much praying or seeking my identity in Christ. 

But, praise God that He is a God who we can trust, who loves us, knows what we need and pursues us. Because I was afraid, struggling, feeling out of control, needed healing and humility and the Lord is still working on all of those things in me. He is telling us that we need to seek Him and He will reveal Himself to us. He is our identity because of Christ and we can do nothing apart from Him. 

And I know that this job is one of the best in the world and that I am supposed to be there until the Lord tells me otherwise because I have never grown so much. I have never been able to have so much joy and so much pain without relying completely on Him here. 
But, as soon as this job becomes my identity or I become more passionate about Birth Choice than Christ, I sin. 
Because I exist and live for Christ and because of Christ; to honor Him and make Him known. 

And I charge you, as my brothers and sisters to hold me accountable to this and compassionately and loving pursue me if and when I forget that. 
Because me being me, I will forget, but by the power of the Holy Spirit and the conviction of the Word of God, we can be reminded of the truth, repent, believe and then, proclaim. 

This job completely drains me, makes me so sad, and yet so fulfilled. I am so sensitive and easily crushed. I feel it all so deeply. 

The Lord causes me to see that I seek to cover this part of me up, to change it, wish it away, numb it. But, He has created me this way to do this job and reach women, not trusting myself of fulfilling myself, but seeking Him in all things. It's to know Him deeper and to turn to Him in all things. 
And this is suffering and bearing burdens. 

But I could never, ever, EVER do it without Christ and His Spirit and His Word. It is His work in me. 
I see that He is causing me to believe truth, reject lies, confess sin, turn to Him instead of numbing and give more. 
I know myself better now than I ever have because of His work in my heart and because I know Him better. 

This experience reminds me that to think I know my needs and assume to know God's will without seeking the Lord is to rebel against Him. God knows me and causes me to know Him because HE is my need.